Remembering

It is after 1:00 am and still no sleep. Sleep is scattered for me now..here and there..always better in the daylight when there are sounds and distractions for my mind. No distractions now and with the very first snow on the ground I can't believe how the time has passed from that moment. Funny how some moments stick with you and others just fade away. This one I think of daily...flashes in my mind when I least expect it. He is getting ready to leave..able to be home for a rare visit and he is stopping by work to tell me goodbye. This simple act makes me smile because there was a time when I would have to remind him to stop..don't forget to tell me goodbye..don't forget to call me when you get there..but now I do not even have to mention it...it is a given. It is a bittersweet gift... for there was no conversation about it..it was an inaudible shift. We have never spoken of....probably never will..but we have both learned from this process that there is a danger there...a darkness...unspoken but our view of the world is different now. So here he is ..getting ready to go back to a place I have never seen...half way across the country....where there are gates...and fences..and secrets I will probably never know. It is hot and he pulls up..top off the Jeep..beautiful day..telling me goodbye...pulls his shirt off to enjoy the sun..and I smile to myself remembering him as a little boy..pulling his shirt off..because his Uncle had done the same..following in his every step....and now a grown man stands before me..full of strength and honor..confidence..no longer that little boy. I almost forgot to ask you..for your birthday...I was thinking of getting you a digital camera..would you like that? That would be perfect..so I will have it to take to Iraq.. he says. Darkness. And I think if I can just not cry until he pulls away..don't let him see you cry. Even with the bright hot sun shining down...I feel that darkness...where that shift came from...a kiss...he tells me he loves me...steps up into the Jeep...my pride in him is only matched by my fear..but no tears until he is out of sight...and I pray... keep him safe...out of the darkness.