The Circle

It is the day after her birthday and today I will go there. I should have went there yesterday on the actual day..but life had kept me from death. Today there will be no avoiding it. No appointments to keep..no excuses. In thinking of going there..placing the flowers near the headstone...I would like some supernatural experience to occur. Her voice..a vision..some kind of sign to reassure me. But I know life well enough to realize that it will not happen. That feeling will have to come from within me. All the gifts she had to give..I have already received.

No more to come.

Now it is up to me..up to me to take it all..laughter, tears, sparkles, giggles, courage, dignity, grace and love...take it all. Line it up in order of importance and do something with it.

Make it count.

I think that is where the fear comes in. I no longer have her physical example. Now it is up to me. Most days I do not feel worthy of the challenge. But it is a promise I made..to carry her with me all the days of my life.

So I will make the drive, place the flowers on the stone, feel the finality of her. Remembering less than a year ago when I drove her to the exact spot...with an armful of flowers for her to place..near the ones she had loved and lost. Sharing her pain then and now. Seeing that she and I aren't really that different after all. Turns out the woman I placed in the highest regard was the same as me. A soul struggling through life..a mother, sister, daughter, friend, wife..with everyday problems.

In performing the act today the gift I will receive is the illumination of the circle we have performed..seeing that my destiny must be that someone will one day make the journey there with an armful of flowers for me, to lay next to her and I. It is my hope that when their tears slide down their face onto their lips and finally to the ground..that they will be as mine..tears full of gratitude for the beautiful soul and the gifts we receive.