The glasses

The feeling has been manifesting for weeks..I couldn't put my finger on it. A little lost..a lot lost...unnerved. Where was this coming from? I had made sure they had what they needed. Picturesque campus for one..nice little rental for the other. Books..necessities...minimum wage jobs.
I had made snide comments in and out of my head for weeks about the suburban stepford mothers. You know the ones. They sink into a depression...cry and sob as they drive away from the children. I am not one of those.

I have been one of those but life knocked those rose colored glasses from my face on a cold October night some years ago....taking with it my perception of my perfect life.

The life with my faithful husband of 20 years..I was Mrs. Stepford. Turns out he wasn't Mr. Stepford and neither was his mistress of nearly a year. The six figure income bought a nice pair of rose colored glasses though. They went nicely with the house..with the volunteer work...shuttling the kids back and forth to games and dance classes. Sometimes I would check my glasses in the rear view mirror ..making sure they were on straight..so I kept my view in focus...I would catch a glimpse of the "other" women...the single women..the divorced women. I was not one of those women. Those women didn't have any glasses. Those women worried about things like rent and childcare...grocery money and god forbid dating. Those things I did not worry about. I had lunch dates to keep. A big house to keep in order and decisions on gardening...dinner to make and serve on my matching service.

Now I knew that I was evolved enough that I did not think I was better than those women..absolutely not..I was socially responsible...we donated for God's sake...some of those women were even my friends but I knew I was not one of those women and I would never be. I had the glasses that matched the house..remember?

So in trying to figure out my unsettled feeling has brought me back to them..to me. I am one of the other women now. No glasses. My children did not take any eye wear with them to the University. They took memories of betrayal and divorce...they worry about things like rent and grocery money. And so do I.

I am realizing that although I am not crying and sobbing..on the outside...I am mourning on the inside. My children are gone. Granted they are happy and thrilled to be in college but this isn't about them. As much as I would like it to be ..it isn't. I know they will succeed and prosper. I on the other hand I have the realization that I am out of chances.

I am mourning the idea of the perfect life I wanted for my children. I can't change the choices and mistakes I made. The misplaced trust and the wearing of the glasses. I have to accept that the seal has been placed on their childhood. It's over. I guess as hard as I try there is still a little stepford in me. I had given so much time and effort for that rosy view. It is allowing me empathy for those other women..those rose colored glasses women.

We are all equal in mourning our losses. With or without the glasses we all have our regrets. Whether it is accepting no matter how hard you tried you couldn't provide them with that perfect existence..or that you are left with an empty nest..leaving the only thing left to do is focus on yourself.

Once in a while I will see a pair of those rosy glasses on the ground...obviously someone has lost them...because you would never choose to remove them on your own...I think about picking them up..but then I remember..with or without them...we all mourn our losses..in different ways..but we mourn them just the same.